You live your own life, or someone else living?
I recently woke up. Yes, woke !!
I slept the last eighteen years. All the time, I had this feeling inside me upset that I was not on the right track. I did not walk my way. But never did fullsurface I was trying to live the life of my mother, grandparents, teachers and friends wanted me to live. I tried so hard to be the person they wanted it that I forgot who I am.
Have you ever felt like this before or you’re with me and feel the same now?
At first I thought maybe it’s just a bad day, I get them, some more than other months. But that feeling has just started scratching me more and more. I know that I suffer from depression that has never been a secret (although my mother never admit when I was younger). I wondered why, why am I so depressed?
Yes, I had a really horrible childhood! My parents divorced when I was about six years old. I was a girl dads and my mom took me away from him. Then we moved to a town that was completely foreign to me and I do not have people. The following year, I had to start to school and finished in the class where the teacher beat me in my little hands all day and even broke the wooden spoon in my hand once, which was a big spoon. My mother did nothing about it. She just said that if I‘m bad, I should get a hiding. So after all this in my first year without my father, I started suffering from mild depression. The doctors told my mother for her, but do not believe in depression. Eventually, she married this monster of a man who made my life hell. He even told me once that I am not part of your family. He never apologized to me but told my mom feels bad about what he said, but my knowledge of the damage is done.
All my life I wanted to please my mother. I always wanted his approval. If I was thinking of doing something that I always see her first. If she did not like or approved, I will not. With friends and the people around me, it was the same thing. Whatever fashion was I get what ever the book is in high demand to do so. I always felt that I have to please everyone around otherwise I would not.
Now I‘m thirty-one years and I know what I like and do not like. What clothes prefer and what hairstyle I like. I always listen to peoples views and I adjusted to fit them. How many of you do?
Everywhere I go in the street in the stores, I see these parents tell their children what they wear and how to do your hair. The more I see this behavior more I realize that I am proof, should not dictate a person’s life, no matter what your age is.
It is my link depression to the fact that I do not know who I am? I think the answer is yes. Do not think it’s just one of the reasons, but certainly one of them. I look in the mirror and the person staring back at me was a stranger. While I watched her face for thirty-one years, I do not recognize. This feels like meeting a person. Starting a new relationship. Now I have to know me for who I am. Going through this process of self-recognition that I must let go of the person I am. I have to put aside the people who keep to influence my opinion and my life. I must learn to stand on my two feet into shoes that feel like and that is comfortable.
I hope when I get to know myself depression chains are loose around me and give me a break so you can think clearly about all the other things in my life that led me to this big black hole .
I know it’s a healing process that will take years and I am so angry against myself to leave all this time to come forward in this big hole. But there is a way out, always.
If you are in a situation or a similar space in your life, do not be discouraged !! Remember you are not alone and OUT is raised. Just look and find the light.
When You Get So Lost
Lost, Get So Lost
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